My heart has been heavy and my mind has been swirling with thoughts for the past few days. I took the bus to volunteering this morning and as I was sitting there listening to Warrant on full blast, my mind raced and it felt as though I could hear the music, but not the words. I was hearing my own thoughts over the shredding guitar solos and I had to fight to hold back tears. They weren’t tears of sadness or anger or anything like that. My head was inundated with thoughts of wondering what happens next… when this time of being dirt poor and struggling is going to end… when I will finally be able to help people and fulfill my purpose on a full time basis… when I will be able to look at everything in my life and know that things are taken care of.
School has been wonderful, but it is indeed quite expensive. I am now leaning back toward staying in the diploma program instead of pursuing an Associate’s degree. It dawned on me this morning that my reason for pursuing that degree is almost within reach without it and soon, I am going to need a big, fat, brand new goal to go after. On top of that, when looking at the classes that I will be taking in the diploma program, I realized I won’t be missing out on as many classes as I had originally thought. Cooking is one of those fields where one can have all the degrees in the world, but if there is no passion or talent to back those degrees up, what are they really good for? I’m good at what I do. I’m passionate about the food I serve and the people I serve it to. A restaurant setting isn’t for me, but a place where I can help those who cannot help themselves is.
I have been thinking heavily about my mark on humanity. What kind of legacy will be left behind when it is my time to journey to the next life? What will I have taught my children? What will I have taught my grandchildren? What will the people I care about and the people I help have to remember me by? Will there be people who didn’t give up because of me? Will there be people who fiercely go after their dreams because of something I said or did? These questions and a million others like them have been running through my head like a band of wild horses. It is so beyond important to me that I fulfill my purpose and do what it is I was born to do… which is help.
The past year has been full of lessons, experiences, ups and downs… I have learned who my friends are, and I have learned that people who I once thought would be there forever are no more than acquaintances now. On some level, it saddens me. But on another level, I’m glad I know now. My goals and my purpose are too important to be hindered by people who do not support what I am doing. On the other hand, I also have people in my life now who I KNOW will be there forever, who didn’t make their entrance until recently… and who will pick me up when I go through times of sadness, despair, of wondering what happens next. When people removed themselves from my life, or I removed them myself, I subconsciously made room for the people that were really supposed to be with me.
It certainly feels like something very big is about to happen. Perhaps it will be something that answers some of my questions… something that will let me know that my struggles are all going to be so incredibly worth it. Whatever it is, I feel it in my bones and, quite obviously, in my brain. My dreams as of late have been vivid and have kept me from a good night’s sleep for weeks now. Something big is on its way… I don’t know what it is, all I know is that I better be ready.