Lately, I have been feeling an almost overwhelming yearning for human interaction. It’s not that I don’t get any. I see my friends on a regular basis. I see my family on a lesser basis than I probably should. But even then, I still get a solid amount of time with people I care about. So, what’s the deal?
Perhaps it’s the sort of human interaction that involves sitting at home and cuddling, talking about whatever comes to mind… I miss intimacy. I’m not even talking about sex. I mean the intimacy of feeling like you know someone better than anyone else. Better than you know yourself. Like you could have an entire conversation just by looking at that person.
With school in session now, my focus has to be elsewhere… and I will admit that that’s hard for me. It is in my nature to care about people and it is in my nature to have intimacy. Right now, I do not have that connection with anyone. It is difficult not to search it out, but at the same time my gut tells me that now is just simply not the time. It’s a nice notion to believe that I would have the time to commit to someone in order to build a relationship like that, but it is just that. A notion.
I used to be really good at being alone. I still am. Perhaps now is just a bit difficult because I am doing a lot of things on my own. I am not asking my parents to help me with my college tuition. I am not asking for spending money. I am asking only for help when I truly need it. It’s called being an adult and I’d like to think that I’ve got the hang of it for the most part.
Perhaps that’s it right there… because I’m doing a lot on my own, it’s easy to think that by having someone there, my journey would somehow be… not easier, but a little less scary. Yeah, I’m scared. Lots of developments occurred in a very short amount of time. My head is honestly still spinning and maybe I think that by having someone there who I could relate to on that deeper level, maybe it would stop spinning so fast.
No matter what, at least for now, I’ll be coming home to my apartment and I will be spending a lot of time with myself and my thoughts. I have some relationships that need to be re-evaluated and prioritized properly. I have school to focus on and I will be damned if anyone or anything prevents me from completing that to the best of my ability. I have my health to focus on by reaching my final weight loss goal in addition to dropping a nasty smoking habit. Plus, I have to constantly get to know myself on a deeper level. Sometimes, even now with everything that I have discovered about myself, it is hard to face my weaknesses.
I guess the question is… by feeling this constant need for mental intimacy and human interaction, is there something that I am afraid of facing on my own? Or do I truly and fully just want to find someone on my level? Thoughts to ponder.