Tag Archives: Fear

Thoughts to Ponder: Aloneness and Intimacy


Lately, I have been feeling an almost overwhelming yearning for human interaction. It’s not that I don’t get any. I see my friends on a regular basis. I see my family on a lesser basis than I probably should. But even then, I still get a solid amount of time with people I care about. So, what’s the deal?

Perhaps it’s the sort of human interaction that involves sitting at home and cuddling, talking about whatever comes to mind… I miss intimacy. I’m not even talking about sex. I mean the intimacy of feeling like you know someone better than anyone else. Better than you know yourself. Like you could have an entire conversation just by looking at that person.

With school in session now, my focus has to be elsewhere… and I will admit that that’s hard for me. It is in my nature to care about people and it is in my nature to have intimacy. Right now, I do not have that connection with anyone. It is difficult not to search it out, but at the same time my gut tells me that now is just simply not the time. It’s a nice notion to believe that I would have the time to commit to someone in order to build a relationship like that, but it is just that. A notion.

I used to be really good at being alone. I still am. Perhaps now is just a bit difficult because I am doing a lot of things on my own. I am not asking my parents to help me with my college tuition. I am not asking for spending money. I am asking only for help when I truly need it. It’s called being an adult and I’d like to think that I’ve got the hang of it for the most part.

Perhaps that’s it right there… because I’m doing a lot on my own, it’s easy to think that by having someone there, my journey would somehow be… not easier, but a little less scary. Yeah, I’m scared. Lots of developments occurred in a very short amount of time. My head is honestly still spinning and maybe I think that by having someone there who I could relate to on that deeper level, maybe it would stop spinning so fast.

No matter what, at least for now, I’ll be coming home to my apartment and I will be spending a lot of time with myself and my thoughts. I have some relationships that need to be re-evaluated and prioritized properly. I have school to focus on and I will be damned if anyone or anything prevents me from completing that to the best of my ability. I have my health to focus on by reaching my final weight loss goal in addition to dropping a nasty smoking habit. Plus, I have to constantly get to know myself on a deeper level. Sometimes, even now with everything that I have discovered about myself, it is hard to face my weaknesses.

I guess the question is… by feeling this constant need for mental intimacy and human interaction, is there something that I am afraid of facing on my own? Or do I truly and fully just want to find someone on my level? Thoughts to ponder.


The Final Countdown


It’s the early morning hours of September 30th and the sun isn’t even out yet. I’ve been awake for a little under an hour and I’m sitting here pondering the last three months and the next five days. My mind is no longer concentrating heavily on the details of my break up or the subsequent actions and reactions. Instead, I’m thinking of my friends, my mom and the nervousness that I’m currently feeling. Something big is about to happen.

In less than 24 hours, I will be begin writing a new chapter in my life. For the first time, it is up to me to ensure that I make it to Denver safe. I’ve got everything I need. My Zune is new, fully charged and filled with awesome music. My car is cleared out and ready to be loaded up with the necessities like clothes, my instruments, photos and hygienic supplies. I’ve got some snack and drink shopping to do tonight for the little cooler that will be my sustenance when I’m not near a town equipped with a Starbucks, Subway or Mickey D’s. The wonderful people at my job threw me a little going away party yesterday and surprised me with over $200 in gas, coffee and food cards. I couldn’t be more thankful for the amazing, supportive, and encouraging souls in my life.

The emotions I’m feeling as the sun starts to rise are those of nostalgia. Yes, I’m beginning to feel that “what if” fear, but I’m not letting it take precedence over the excitement I have. So many faces, so many memories, so many experiences that have grown me into someone who is strong enough to want (and go after) more. If you had asked me four years ago if I could have moved to Denver, I would have said yes… but at that time, I wouldn’t have had the courage to actually follow through. The events of the last three months, both relationship related and otherwise have forced me to wake up and not take “no” for an answer. Truth be told, I’m not all that great at taking “no” for an answer anyway.

There is this soul inside of me that is growing, expanding, hatching if you will. I’m preparing to spread my wings and take flight for the first time. Leaving the comforts of all that I have known in search of greener pastures. I have had a good life in California for which I will be forever grateful. There is, however, life beyond the borders of Los Angeles. There are people, places, and experiences that are waiting for me. Some of these people and places will be familiar, however, none of the experiences will be.

In order for me to become who I was destined to be, I have to fly. I have to see the world from different eyes and take in these lessons. I’m not sure what the future holds. All I know is that whatever happens, this world and the people in it better get ready for what’s about to happen. Things are about to get crazy!

Dreams: Go Big or Go Home


“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.” – Mark Twain

My departure date is 8 days from now. I leave on October 1st. While it may be the beginning of my physical journey, I feel that my journey has already begun. Certain events have taken place that have forced me to recognize that Los Angeles is no longer my home. It no longer sustains who I am. Those events have involved heavy doses of pain, heart break, utter disappointment… and ultimately, the understanding that I am much stronger than I give myself credit for. My thoughts have taken me from the point of being absolutely sure of my decision, to wondering if I made the right choice, to nearly changing my mind and turning back, and then realizing that turning back would be the ultimate slap in the face to myself.

The way I see it, leaving is the ultimate liberation. Knowing that I had the balls to go after a long standing dream and not accepting what the world, or, for that matter, another person said I could do or could have is the proof I need to know that I can do anything. There will always be people who try to tell you that you should just be happy with what you have. “Why should you want more? Who do you think you are? You have everything you need right here.” What those people don’t realize is that the human spirit was not meant to be kept in a cage. There are no boundaries that tell us where we can and can’t go in life. Fear creates those boundaries.

Fear of the unknown is the reason why many people lose sight of their dreams. They decide that their dreams are stupid, not valid, not realistic, or they allow other people to tell them that their dreams won’t ever come true. They become complacent. While I’ve definitely been a procrastinator, I’m not complacent.

I’m impulsive, I do things on a whim, I’m spontaneous… and those characteristics have gotten me in trouble a few times. However, I truly feel blessed to possess those characteristics because they have given me more experiences and good memories than they have trouble. This decision to go on this journey started when I was about 17. I just always found some excuse as to why I couldn’t do it then. “I’ll do it in a couple years, I want to do this first,” I would say. Well, here I am at 23 years old, trippin’ out on the fact that I’m really going to do it this time. I’m going to leave California.

My personal belief is that we are given only a short amount of time to live and none of us know what our expiration date is. So, it’s better to live every day as if you would die the next… instead of living every day as if you were already dead. I’d rather look back in 20 years and laugh about all the mistakes I made, remember all the friends I met, all the places I’ve seen and be grateful for all the unconditional love I’ve felt. The last thing I want to remember in 20 years is all the things I should have done. I don’t want to ask myself “What if?” I want to say “Wow, that was insane… and AWESOME!”

Is this journey going to be scary? Yes. Is it going to be a learning experience? Yes. Am I going to regret it? Absolutely not. My hope is that whether I fail or whether I succeed, I will learn just how strong I am and that I can make it through anything. I can do it on my own. I don’t need to be co-dependent. Rather, independent. This life defining moment in my life will be a lesson in strength, endurance and wisdom.

Ignore the people who say you can’t do something. Allow yourself to feel pain, cry until you can’t cry anymore. But, don’t forget to remind yourself that the pain won’t last. Though my heart is hurting as I write this, the pain has lessened over the last week, over the last two weeks, over the last six weeks. As my friend, Gia, says “It will not hurt this much in six months.” Remember to follow your dreams, no matter how outlandish they seem. Nothing is impossible… and you can always choose to start your life today.