Thoughts to Ponder: Aloneness and Intimacy


Lately, I have been feeling an almost overwhelming yearning for human interaction. It’s not that I don’t get any. I see my friends on a regular basis. I see my family on a lesser basis than I probably should. But even then, I still get a solid amount of time with people I care about. So, what’s the deal?

Perhaps it’s the sort of human interaction that involves sitting at home and cuddling, talking about whatever comes to mind… I miss intimacy. I’m not even talking about sex. I mean the intimacy of feeling like you know someone better than anyone else. Better than you know yourself. Like you could have an entire conversation just by looking at that person.

With school in session now, my focus has to be elsewhere… and I will admit that that’s hard for me. It is in my nature to care about people and it is in my nature to have intimacy. Right now, I do not have that connection with anyone. It is difficult not to search it out, but at the same time my gut tells me that now is just simply not the time. It’s a nice notion to believe that I would have the time to commit to someone in order to build a relationship like that, but it is just that. A notion.

I used to be really good at being alone. I still am. Perhaps now is just a bit difficult because I am doing a lot of things on my own. I am not asking my parents to help me with my college tuition. I am not asking for spending money. I am asking only for help when I truly need it. It’s called being an adult and I’d like to think that I’ve got the hang of it for the most part.

Perhaps that’s it right there… because I’m doing a lot on my own, it’s easy to think that by having someone there, my journey would somehow be… not easier, but a little less scary. Yeah, I’m scared. Lots of developments occurred in a very short amount of time. My head is honestly still spinning and maybe I think that by having someone there who I could relate to on that deeper level, maybe it would stop spinning so fast.

No matter what, at least for now, I’ll be coming home to my apartment and I will be spending a lot of time with myself and my thoughts. I have some relationships that need to be re-evaluated and prioritized properly. I have school to focus on and I will be damned if anyone or anything prevents me from completing that to the best of my ability. I have my health to focus on by reaching my final weight loss goal in addition to dropping a nasty smoking habit. Plus, I have to constantly get to know myself on a deeper level. Sometimes, even now with everything that I have discovered about myself, it is hard to face my weaknesses.

I guess the question is… by feeling this constant need for mental intimacy and human interaction, is there something that I am afraid of facing on my own? Or do I truly and fully just want to find someone on my level? Thoughts to ponder.


3 responses »

  1. As cliche as it sounds, this is why I got a cat lol
    I’ve been living alone for about three years now… N had my cat for the last year. I got him for funzies, saying it was the fad thing for single girls living alone to do… But honestly, I was getting depressed. He’s no replacement for a romantic relationship… But they listen n cuddle like a dream 🙂

  2. When it comes down to desires for intimacy, we as people can get trapped in ways of thinking that create false dichotomies. We can get stuck in the, I must do X therefore I don’t have time for Y. But, that is self defeating because the unfulfilled need alone can become the obstacle instead. Sometimes, as people (myself being guilty of this) we can miss opportunities for many things simply because we psyche ourselves out. If you have a need for intimacy that is making you feel lonely, you should look at where you have time for that in your life, while also being conscientious of your goals. Essentially, there is a lot more time in your life than you realize. And if you find the right person to fill that need there is absolutely no need to sacrifice your life goals for an fulfilling relationship with another person. Those needs for intimacy can be fulfilled by something as simple as curling up reading a book with someone while they watch TV before you go to bed.

    We have brains loaded full of junk when it comes to relationships and intimacy because of media in our culture, and sometimes we have to do spring cleaning. Simple, platonic gestures of kindness and affection can go a long way towards our mental and emotional stability. And the thing is, these needs aren’t going to go away, and not satiating them is only going to make them more intense with time. I guess, in simple what I am saying is don’t sell yourself short because you are unable to picture how that need is compatible with your life right now. You are a better equipped for life and a more whole person when you deal with your most basic needs first, then work your way up. The need for intimacy is a basic need, one that greater things tend to be difficult without. That need doesn’t necessary need to be with a romantic partner, or even involve sexual intimacy. We all need physical contact that is non-sexual, and while pets can help, it’s a temporary fix for a long term need. In some ways, as people we have to work to not see desires and needs as a bad thing.

    I struggle with that as well, and because of where I life and what I make I don’t get the social opportunities I would otherwise (part of the motivation for my Australia move). I am also more aware of these sorts of things from having time to reflect on them. I have all the free time I could ask for and more for now, but I still worry that with my impending life change that I don’t have room for that. But that is just fear talking, perhaps the fear that I’ll get close to someone and hurt them or myself when I leave. Or perhaps, fear that I’ll let a relationship interfere with my goals, and that the relationship will end later and I’ll end up regretting giving up on my goals for it. We all run through those sorts of scenarios when have desires in our lives that need to be fulfilled when there is a perceived conflict. However, I don’t think it has to be an A or B scenario, and sometimes there are options that we just don’t see. Because the thing is, pursuing your goals doesn’t mean you won’t have time to find what you need along the way. “Nothing is gained if nothing is sacrificed, but the sacrifice alone does not guarantee a gain. You must both be willing to make a sacrifice and also cautious and meticulous about what you sacrifice along the way.” – Myself

    It’s wise for us, as human beings, to check our perceptions of the situation because they can and often are inaccurate. Beware of the limitations of being a human being, in that we are stronger together than we are singularly. That said, I support you fully in all pursuits that make you happy, and fulfill you. I have little doubt you’ll figure it out.

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