My bags are packed and waiting to be loaded into the car. I’ll be on a plane to California in just over 12 hours and I’ll be gone for two weeks. Tonight I feel excited, yet slightly bitter. Bitter that I’m going on this trip alone. Granted, I’m beyond stoked to see my mom and my friends. It’s going to be a great trip, but right now I am allowing myself a few minutes to feel the bitterness.
I have gotten a lot of clarity by talking to the Divine and I understand through and through why this time apart from my love is necessary. But, that little piece of me that is still hurting and wants to kick and scream and be mad at someone is making a bit of an appearance. So many questions that I have answered myself are rearing their ugly little heads. I’m bitter that I’m not going on vacation with my love. I’m bitter that we aren’t celebrating our one year anniversary. I’m bitter that certain issues weren’t handled before we got together. And yet… I know that if things had not happened the way they did, we would not have had a relationship at all.
I’m doing my best to feel this and move on. I know that I cannot be bitter forever… in fact, my few minutes of bitter-allowance are almost up. The Divine has made it clear that wonderful things are going to happen, both for my love and I as individuals and at the beginning of Act 2. All I have to do is be patient… which is also where some of this bitterness is coming from.
Patience isn’t a strong suit. It has always been a struggle. I’m bitter that I have to wait to be happy with my love. Maybe it sounds petty, ridiculous even. But, for the next couple of minutes that is exactly how I feel. Why do I have to wait? Why can’t we be happy now? What is happening in our lives that is so personal that we cannot walk with each other through it?
Until we come back around in a few months (I hope that we do with my entire being), we can only walk through our storms alone. They are ours individually and, as mad as that makes me, that’s how it is. We will have stories and all negative feelings will have long subsided by the time we meet again. I know that right now, that meeting feels like a lifetime away… and my impatience is making me want to throw a tantrum. But… what good would that do?
For now, all I can do is wait and live my life with as much vibrancy and joy as possible while keeping the bitter feelings to a minimum. Speaking of that, time’s up.