In four days, it would have been our one year anniversary. June 24, 2013 would have marked one year since we decided to be together… one year since the happiest day of my life. It seems so far away now. It is hard to think of everything that was and all that could have been… or, I guess, may not have been had things kept going the way they were.
I know that there were things that bothered us about each other. I know I had lost myself several months before our end. I know that I had hoped and expected things that you weren’t able to give during the past year. I wish I could say that I didn’t see it coming. But, that would be a lie. I denied what my heart saw… what your heart saw.
I am flying to California on what would have been our one year anniversary. I’m not sure what that day will bring. All I know is that right now, I feel very, very sad. I want to feel bitter, but I just don’t. Tonight, I’m just trying to keep my head up.
The feelings of longing strike me the hardest at night time. I try to spend a lot of my time outside, busy. I don’t like coming home anymore because I know that I will have to fight through sadness, through missing you, through a million scenarios of what it will look like when we reunite. My mind is exhausted. My heart, while healing, still aches. I wonder what you’re doing, whether or not you’re having a good day, whether you see corgis everywhere because I sure as hell see a lot more bassett hounds. I wonder if you see blue Beetles everywhere… because, of course, every silver PT Cruiser I see makes me check to see if it’s you.
The pain isn’t crushing anymore… it’s just, sort of a throb now. The worst part is missing you so badly. Even though I rearranged my house, it doesn’t feel like mine at all. No matter how much I sage, your energy is still here. I’m in this limbo because I don’t want you entirely out. But I do feel like I will have to move once my lease is up, assuming I have the means to do so. So many wonderful things happened here including the beginning of our relationship and yet, heart wrenching things happened here… like the end of our relationship. Or at least, Act 1.
I refer to this solitude as our Intermission. It helps me remember that there is still another Act to go. A second chance of sorts. A new beginning. I wish we could have made it to a year together. I was looking forward to that a lot. Unfortunately, we were just two weeks shy. Perhaps it won’t be so bad next year. Well, it won’t be… because… well, it just won’t be.