I write. That is what helps me step back from tears. I had a good day today. I didn’t cry once. I had fun without feeling guilty. I heard a song that you once told me reminded you of me and I was able to sing along. I felt no need to change the station. I am healing. I am remembering things about myself that had been lost in the past few months. I am learning to be unapologetic about who I am.
Today, I hooped. A wonderful couple I met today asked if they could take a video. I had no idea how natural I looked in a hoop. I literally didn’t know what to say. Who was that person looking so beautiful with that giant smile on her face? That was me. That was Rachael. There was no embarrassment. There was no shame. There was no self-deprication. There was confidence. There was fire. There was that light shining brightly that used to be so dim.
When I miss you, I journal no matter where I am. When I miss you, I think of when we will meet again and how you will not recognize me. Or perhaps you will. As the person you fell in love with. Not as the person you left. I don’t know her. I don’t know the girl who was with you during the last six months of our relationship. What I do know is she isn’t there anymore.
I am alive. I am beautiful. I am stronger than I ever gave myself credit for. I love to dance. I love to laugh and to make people laugh. I love to paint. I love to run. I love the smell of rain on cement. I love coming home to my home, my sanctuary. I love being around people who don’t take life too seriously. I love not caring about whether or not I’m “punk rock” enough. I love admitting that I don’t even really like punk rock. I love my eyes. I love my smile. I love my tattoos. I love my soft skin. I love my hair color. I adore my smile. I love that you loved me enough to allow me to discover myself again. I love that you love yourself enough to do the same.
Months will pass before we see each other again. But not years. We will come together again. We will be alive. We will shine brighter than ever before. We will be The Special Two.