Letting go doesn’t mean that a wanted outcome won’t happen… it just means that you’ll have a little extra growing room and be ready for when or if it does… and that scares the living crap out of me. I’m having the WORST time letting go because I’m scared that if I do, the one thing I want more than anything in this world will slip out of my grasp forever and I’ll be left with eternal regret. Logically, that makes no sense. Letting go means allowing myself to realize my own potential and letting others realize theirs without boundaries or leashes. Being the control freak that I am, it’s an overwhelming and almost unbearable challenge.
My heart and mind want the same thing, but disagree on how to go about getting it… and quite honestly, I can’t really tell which is which right now. One of them is telling me to drop everything and run as fast as I can back to California to try to save something that I have no power to save… what once was, essentially, isn’t there anymore. We’ve finished that chapter. The other half is telling me to finish out what I came here to do and let go. Focus on making myself a better person and conquer the challenges and meet the goals that I have set for myself. If I take the time to do this… I will be ready and able to provide something amazing and unique later, not only to myself… but… to another as well.
I understand that I’m probably not going to stay in Denver forever, but it’s where I am supposed to be for now. It’s been a battle to remain headstrong with that. Perhaps it’s time to remind myself why I came out here. I came out here to have a shot at living on my own and being completely independent. I came out here to be with my family who lives here. I came out here to go to school. I came out here to explore a new place and make new friends and ultimately find out who I am. Yet… I left a big piece of me in California. That realization has hit me in the face like a ton of bricks and I’m struggling see straight again. But, I will.
Letting go is so hard and I have so much resistance to it. It’s in my genetics to be a stubborn son of a bitch and I think it’s going to get in me in trouble soon. Eventually, I’ll be the only one hurting… and I’ll have done it to myself. I wish there was some kind of button that told me my future and let me know whether or not what I’m fighting for is really worth it… and if it is, how to ensure 100% that I’m going to get it. But, there isn’t. I have to put all of my trust and all of my faith into the hands of the Divine and just hope that my tears are seen and that my prayers are heard one day.
I’m not really sure where to start… but I have to start somewhere. I guess I’ll start by having yet another candid conversation with God. I think my journal is pretty sick of my writing the same thing over and over again. Next step… who knows… but whatever it is, it involves letting go.