Over the last couple of days I have realized a very specific and certain truth… I will never feel apathy toward the one who loved and hurt me the most. As much as I have tried to force myself to not give a damn, the fact of the matter is that I do and I always will. I will not forever hate this person… no, no. That takes up far more energy than I care to spend. Through the great, the good, and the undeniably horrendous times of our past together, my will to fight back just isn’t there anymore. To deny the fact that I will always love him instead of just accepting it is utterly exhausting and I’ve realized that through that denial, I’ve ultimately imprisoned myself. I don’t deserve prison… I deserve freedom… and it’s just better to accept what cannot be changed. I love you.
No matter where our lives lead us or whether or not they ever cross paths again, you will always find love in me. Perhaps now that I have accepted this, I can finally allow myself to open up and give someone else a chance.
My heart has been closed for quite some time… I have not wanted anyone to get close enough to the point where they could hurt me and I have not allowed anyone to do so. Again, by doing this I have imprisoned myself. You can’t see into someone’s soul if you don’t allow them to get close enough to read. You can’t share experiences and feelings with someone if you’re unavailable… which is exactly what I have been. Perpetually unavailable.
The memories of the worst pain I have ever felt have haunted me for months, playing over and over like a bad movie, forcing me to build tall, strong walls that I thought would protect me. Those walls didn’t protect me and will never protect me. All they will ever do is hold me captive and turn my heart to cold stone. I don’t want that… and now, I can finally tear my prison down brick by soul crushing brick.
It’s ok to love you. By admitting that to myself I can open myself up to new love, perhaps a kind of love that I’ve never felt before. I can open myself up to new life. Though in many ways I’ve already started my new life, some of the most important aspects have not been able to flourish because of my fear and because of my closed heart. This baggage can happily be lost in the abyss. I refuse to own it anymore.