“Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.” – Mark Twain
Forgiveness is f*cking hard. Putting it any other way would be absolutely pointless because that is truly how I feel at this very moment. It’s mother f*cking hard. Forgiving someone who I feel absolutely doesn’t deserve it without them first approaching me with their tail between their legs is ridiculously, inexplicably… hard. But, in order for me to move forward and finally let the hatred go, I really have no other choice. My hatred is deterring the progression of my future… and I can’t let that happen anymore.
After seeing a couple of pictures on Facebook today… I was thrown into a rage. I haven’t cried that hard for that long in awhile. My mom had to listen to me babble on about all the crap I’ve said and cried about before… and she comforted me like only my Mama could. Somehow, in the sea of tears and “I hate him!”s, we figured out why my emotions were so intense and so escalated… because when I left and he moved on within mere weeks, I felt worthless. I felt replaceable. I felt like the past couple of years had been a lie and that I was never loved to begin with. I didn’t understand how a relationship that had lasted nearly three years could be replaced in only a matter of six weeks. For all I know, probably sooner than that.
I didn’t understand how his family and friends could be so welcoming of her in such a short matter of time. But… and I have to pound this into my own head, his friends and his family are just that… HIS. They are not mine. They didn’t owe me anything and they pretty much have to accept anyone who he brings home as his “girlfriend”. It was never a personal slap in the face to me… at least not from his family’s perspective, maybe his… but not theirs.
The emotions that I felt today and am currently feeling as I write this hurt like hell. Why do I have to feel them when it seems as though he doesn’t? Did I ever matter at all? Am I really replaceable? Am I truly worthless? The conclusion that I have to come to is yes, I did matter. No, I’m not replaceable and hell no, I’m not worthless. But the hatred that I hold onto is. So, as much as I’d rather see him crying in a gutter somewhere, I’m gonna pick myself up and start the forgiveness process because the sooner I let go of the darkness, the sooner the bright light of my future can shine.
This will not be the last time I have to forgive someone. Be it friend, boyfriend, family member or otherwise, I’m going to have to do this again. It just probably won’t suck nearly as much as this time does. Caring about myself and my own well-being, living in the present instead of the past, and being open to the opportunity of new life and love is far more important than worrying or feeling angry because of the actions of someone who I feel has wronged me. I left. He reacted. Then I reacted and held on.
Now, I’m severing the ties and it starts with understanding that the way this person’s actions made me feel are not accurate. I am not replaceable. I am not worthless. I am not easily forgotten. In fact, if I’ve played my cards right, I will never be forgotten.
I am beautiful. I am worthy of love. I am a bright light in the lives of all who know me.
Today, I will let this hatred go… and begin to forgive.