Loneliness. The unwelcome emotion that I haven’t felt in a very long time. Considering it’s not even been four months since my two and a half year relationship ended, I’d had hoped that loneliness wouldn’t be rearing its ugly head so soon. But, it is, and as with every emotion I feel both good and bad, I’ll deal with it.
It’s not that I think I’m ready to be in another relationship. Even though I might toy with the idea at times, I’m not really 100% sure. Granted, I’m not, nor have I ever been one to really do the whole “dating” thing. You know, the type to have three or four dates a week with three or four different people. It’s just not my style. I’ve always been the type who dates one person at a time. I guess I just miss the companionship. I miss the feeling of being able to curl up with someone and talk about life or watch stupid movies and laugh at each other’s cheesy jokes. I miss walking down the street hand in hand with someone and just smiling because I’m happy to be in their company. I miss just simply looking at someone and knowing that they love me as much as I love them. I miss being at the mall, walking by a store and seeing something that reminds me of that person and picking it up for them just because I can. I miss the intimacy of it all.
But, at some point or another, I expected to feel this. I just thought I would have had a little more fun before loneliness decided to stop by. I do enjoy being single and independent. I enjoy being able to get my stuff together on my own and make my own decisions without having to ask another person’s opinion. But, after being with someone every day for the last two and a half years up until August, it’s a little hard to readjust at times.
Eventually, like everything else I’ve felt, the loneliness will pass. I’ll find someone who wants to get to know me and who I’ll want to get to know in return. The intimacy and the feeling of really knowing someone’s heart will come back. I will feel love again… and I know that I have to be patient with it.
I’ve had many an opportunity to play the field a bit… and in all honesty, I have a couple of times. However, I’m pretty much over that. I like consistency. I like the people in my life to be there for an extended period of time, whether it’s through friendships, romantic relationships or whatever. It’s just too damn hard for me to be unemotional about someone. Perhaps it’s the fact that I’m a Libra and I care about people. I know that I wouldn’t want to be treated as a rebound, so why should I do that to someone else? That’s one reason I am nervous to even think about another relationship at this point… whoever the potential boyfriend would be… would he just be a rebound? Or could he turn into someone who would have a more specific purpose in my life? I don’t know.
All I know is that I have to be open to the possibility of being alone for awhile. I also have to be open to the possibility of finding someone truly amazing in a relatively short time. The only entity that knows jack diddly squat about what my future holds is God, and since He’s pretty much placed everything I’ve needed in front of me, who am I to doubt that He has someone spectacular out there who is waiting to cross paths with me as much as I’m waiting to cross paths with them? That doesn’t mean that what I’m feeling is comfortable. Loneliness sucks. Really, really bad. But, as is true with most things related to emotion… it won’t last. It’s temporary, and at some point, I have to understand and be ok with that.