The opposite of love is not hate. The true opposite of love is apathy. When you love someone, they have a hold of your heart. It’s the same with hate. When you experience apathy, you know that the person who held your heart once no longer does. You simply don’t care anymore. They no longer make you feel anything.
Tonight, I yearn to be apathetic… however, I still hate you.
I hate having the fear of the possibility of seeing you drive down the street. I hate the fear of running into one of our friends and you being with them. I hate that only a few hours in my old city makes me feel this fear. I hate the fact that something in me still feels anything for you. I hate the fact that you acted so childishly when I left. I hate the fact that you threw her in my face. You might has well have put a 12 gauge against my chest and pulled the trigger. I hate that I want nothing more than to see you hurt.
But what I love more than I hate…
I love the fact that I had the courage to leave. I love that I will never, ever come back permanently. I love the fact that I recognize now the kind of behavior that I will never again tolerate. I love that I’m confident, beautiful and not afraid to face my issues head on. I love that I don’t have to use other people to hide what I fear. I love that my family and my true friends have stuck by me. I love that I’m not afraid to admit that there is still a piece of me that cares about you in spite of the fact that you are totally undeserving of that care. I love that I now recognize that this ugliness that you showed me was a part of you all along even though I was too naive to see it while we were together. I love how I can admit that I wasn’t perfect, but I did nothing to deserve to be treated that way. I would have never in a million years done the same to you.
I don’t feel apathy yet… and I know that you don’t either. One day, I will. One day, I won’t care about you anymore. One day, I will be able to look at that ring you gave me and smile at the good memories that it once held, not remember how those memories were tainted and made sour. One day, I will be able to look at your pictures and not want to rip your throat out. One day… I simply won’t give two damns about you.