I had my first big cry tonight in relation to my journey. It’s now only three days away, if that. The realization that this dream is no longer a pipe dream and that it is actually happening… it’s surreal. I went through some drawers today that I had neglected ever since I moved out of my mom’s house over a year ago. Being back, I had to go through them. I found some things I had forgotten about including old flyers, pictures… and even the box that my claddagh ring came in. The ring that I had worn for the last two and a half years up until two days ago.
So many memories came rushing back and it seems like the events that created those memories never even happened. Those times, those events, those significant life lessons… they all happened in the blink of an eye. I remembered people that have come and gone, lived and died, and those who have fulfilled their purpose in my life… at least for now. There are people that I wish were still around but, they have completed their mission and taught me the lessons that I needed them to teach.
Change isn’t easy. In fact, I’ll be honest. Change sucks. It hurts. It doesn’t feel good. But, when the process is done, the end result is something beautiful. I relate change to molting. When an iguana outgrows it’s skin, it sheds. It sheds the old skin that has become tight, suffocating and uncomfortable. When the iguana molts, the old skin comes off piece by piece. It itches the iguana and he can’t wait for the process to be over. When he is done molting, he is no longer uncomfortable. His skin is no longer dull… it is bright and vibrant and the iguana is happy, more energetic and thankful for shedding his skin because it means he has grown bigger and stronger.
I allowed myself to cry tonight. To remember the people who have played key roles in helping me develop the person I am. There has been happiness, heart break, sorrow, peace, understanding, compassion and most importantly, learning. I am beginning to feel my nerves now. I am beginning to feel pure, raw, unadulterated fear. This fear is that of the unknown and it is this fear that I will use to get my ass to Colorado. It is not the kind of fear that keeps people from doing something, rather the fear that challenges people to persevere. No matter what, I’m still going.
Soon, this fight will be over. My heart will still ache, but the pain will be tolerable. There will be times where I will miss Los Angeles, but there is too much out there to ever look back and regret my decision to leave. There are amazing people in Colorado. People whose lives will be enriched by me and people who will enrich my life. As scared and nervous as I am, I am also excited, curious and ready to face this.
As nostalgic and bittersweet as the next three days will be, it is time for me to look up and thank God that I have been blessed enough to have my memories and to have the opportunity to follow my dream. Many people allow their dreams to die and for me, the death of my dreams is unacceptable. I’ll forever have big dreams… and unless I’m six feet under or floating around in the form of ashes, nothing can stop me from going after those dreams.