Pain. Despair. Devastation.
I experienced all of these emotions last night and to be honest, I am sitting here on this beautiful Saturday morning still feeling all of it. The consequences of my actions over the past month have come full circle… and while my actions have been taken in order to allow myself to grow, it has been a painful journey culminating in the realization that a piece of my soul is dead.
I went to get the last of my things out of the apartment last night. I knew I was going to cry… I just didn’t know how much. I hugged him… I kissed him… I felt that my soul had found home again… and then it ended with me watching him close the door to the place that both of us once called home. I wanted to scream. I nearly did. I nearly lost my balance as all of the sadness, despair, pain, and absolute devastation slammed against me like a wave slams against a cliff. It was mass hysteria in my head. In my heart.
Today, I feel no less pain. While my eyes have dried up, my heart is in agony. I feel like a zombie… nothing else around me matters. That whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” saying is playing over and over in my mind right now and honestly, I better be able to take a freakin’ jackhammer to the temple and live through it after this.
I also keep hearing “If it’s supposed to work out, it will. You are where you are for a reason.” I understand this. I know what my reason was for ending my relationship… I just feel like I nailed my own coffin shut. I feel like my soul will never be home again if I don’t have him. He was my world. I wish I had seen that before. Perhaps I did and still knew deep down inside that I couldn’t stay in Los Angeles. I pray and pray that I will not feel this for long. The pain right now is so substantial that I’d rather swim in a pool of razor wire and lemon juice than face the fact that I am the cause of my heart ache. I gave up the one person in this world who I loved and still love more than anything.
Perhaps God’s plan is for me to go on this journey, this new adventure to Colorado and learn things. Grow. Become who I was born to be… and somehow, some way… my soul with breathe life again. Whatever it is, I really need God’s help right now. I cannot endure this devastation on my own.
Last night, when I left… I sat in my car and screamed. I hit my steering wheel. I nearly forgot to breathe. The reality of my decisions hit me like a ton of bricks and all I wanted to do was die. Considering that the LA river was within feet of where I was sitting, I easily could have just thrown everything away. I didn’t. Obviously.
I don’t want to die… so anyone who reads this can rest assured that you won’t be getting a phone call announcing my funeral arrangements. I do, however… feel as though my soul mate is gone. I feel as though the one man in my life who was there unconditionally is gone. Because of my own actions. That’s a tough pill to swallow… but alas, I must. We’re all responsible for the decisions we make and the consequences that come with them. I just hope that there is some bigger picture. A place in life where I will say “All the pain I went through was worth it.” Because right now, it feels like there is not a single thing on this earth that could be worse.
I’m sure that this all sounds dramatic… but this is the only way that I know to describe the anguish that is happening in my heart.
For those of you who have found your soul mate… don’t give them up…