An Open Letter to the Haters and Hatresses


It seems that several people have been walking out of my boyfriend’s life as of late. Their reasoning: me. Last night I asked my boyfriend, “Am I really that much of a threat?” to which he responded, “Yes. To them, you are, because they all want something from me that they can’t have.”

At first, I was really down in the dumps about this. I felt that my being in his life was a burden. His friends wouldn’t have walked out on him had it not been for me… merely existing. But after having a day to think about it I have come to this conclusion.

Fuck all of you.

I find it incredibly sad that people are only friends with people who they feel they can get something from. What happened to being friends with someone because you genuinely liked them and thought they were a good person? When did friendship become a business? It is pathetic that people feel threatened by someone that they have yet to give the time of day. But the reality is, if you’re honestly that scared of me and you have yet to meet me, chances are that you probably couldn’t handle me if you actually gave me a chance. You’re scared, and for that, I feel incredibly sorry for you.

I am a good person. Michael is a good person. We both have an incredible amount of love to give to those we care about. But it seems that the people who are leaving him are those are are angry that he won’t leave me for them, and jealous that they couldn’t hold a candle to me if they tried. Here’s the deal.

You could be someone amazing. You could be someone worthwhile. You could find love in a genuinely good place if you weren’t so busy trying to destroy others. You could find happiness and solace if you would put your big girl panties on and take a look in the mirror. You wouldn’t have to be envious of the love that Michael and I have because you would be able to find your own. But the majority of you won’t do that. You’d rather destroy someone else than build yourself up. Because that’s the easy way. You don’t have to do any work on yourself if you just break somebody else down to your level.

Ladies and gentleman, here’s the deal. Grow the fuck up. Your games are childish and a waste of your time. You have given up a great friend in Michael for petty reasons and you have obliterated any chance of having a fabulous new friend in me. Some of you have even had classes with me and never even thought to say hello. Others of you live in other states, yet feel that your opinion somehow has some bearing on how we live our lives and the decisions we make. You have no idea how small you have made yourselves in my eyes. I cannot speak for Michael, but I will speak for myself.

I do not deal well with weak women. I do not deal well with weak men. Your pathetic attempts to break us up, to sneak your way into our relationship, to whisper ill-advice in our ears, or to generally present yourself as some sort of threat to me, none of it matters. At this point, it’s just annoying. All you have done is show how weak you are and how irresponsible you are for your own lives and your own decisions. I feel sorry for all of you because you see something you want… you see two people who are so in love with each other and who would go to the ends of every realm for each other… and you can’t have it. The sad part is, you could have it all if you were actually willing to do the work to become the person who could handle it.

I hope that one day you finally find the courage to look yourself in the face and handle your demons. Because that is the only way you will be able to become who you were truly meant to be and to experience the kind of love that you have seen in Michael and I. But until then, you’re fucked. So, instead of trying to threaten me, trying to persuade Michael to leave for something “better”, blaming me for not being able to hang out with him when you’ve never taken the time to talk to me, instead of blaming your shitty decisions on someone you don’t even know, why don’t you go figure yourself out.

Go meditate. Go run. Go take a long hard look in your bathroom mirror. Whatever it is you have to do to be ok with yourself, go do that. I don’t give a damn. But stop being children. We left middle school in middle school.



Something is Coming…


My heart has been heavy and my mind has been swirling with thoughts for the past few days. I took the bus to volunteering this morning and as I was sitting there listening to Warrant on full blast, my mind raced and it felt as though I could hear the music, but not the words. I was hearing my own thoughts over the shredding guitar solos and I had to fight to hold back tears. They weren’t tears of sadness or anger or anything like that. My head was inundated with thoughts of wondering what happens next… when this time of being dirt poor and struggling is going to end… when I will finally be able to help people and fulfill my purpose on a full time basis… when I will be able to look at everything in my life and know that things are taken care of.

School has been wonderful, but it is indeed quite expensive. I am now leaning back toward staying in the diploma program instead of pursuing an Associate’s degree. It dawned on me this morning that my reason for pursuing that degree is almost within reach without it and soon, I am going to need a big, fat, brand new goal to go after. On top of that, when looking at the classes that I will be taking in the diploma program, I realized I won’t be missing out on as many classes as I had originally thought. Cooking is one of those fields where one can have all the degrees in the world, but if there is no passion or talent to back those degrees up, what are they really good for? I’m good at what I do. I’m passionate about the food I serve and the people I serve it to. A restaurant setting isn’t for me, but a place where I can help those who cannot help themselves is.

I have been thinking heavily about my mark on humanity. What kind of legacy will be left behind when it is my time to journey to the next life? What will I have taught my children? What will I have taught my grandchildren? What will the people I care about and the people I help have to remember me by? Will there be people who didn’t give up because of me? Will there be people who fiercely go after their dreams because of something I said or did? These questions and a million others like them have been running through my head like a band of wild horses. It is so beyond important to me that I fulfill my purpose and do what it is I was born to do… which is help.

The past year has been full of lessons, experiences, ups and downs… I have learned who my friends are, and I have learned that people who I once thought would be there forever are no more than acquaintances now. On some level, it saddens me. But on another level, I’m glad I know now. My goals and my purpose are too important to be hindered by people who do not support what I am doing. On the other hand, I also have people in my life now who I KNOW will be there forever, who didn’t make their entrance until recently… and who will pick me up when I go through times of sadness, despair, of wondering what happens next. When people removed themselves from my life, or I removed them myself, I subconsciously made room for the people that were really supposed to be with me.

It certainly feels like something very big is about to happen. Perhaps it will be something that answers some of my questions… something that will let me know that my struggles are all going to be so incredibly worth it. Whatever it is, I feel it in my bones and, quite obviously, in my brain. My dreams as of late have been vivid and have kept me from a good night’s sleep for weeks now. Something big is on its way… I don’t know what it is, all I know is that I better be ready.



The Brightest Smile


I’ve heard it said in the past that one should never allow another person to change their smile. Every time this piece of advice has come up in conversation, it has had a negative connotation to it. It seems that the mind attaches negative things to change when really, there is more than one way to think about it. I bring this up because as I look through pictures of Michael and I, taken throughout the past month or so, I notice one thing in particular. My smile has changed.

The one feature that people notice most about me is my smile. My eyes come in at a close second. But the smile is always the one thing that I get complimented on. I have always thought it was pretty, but I notice now that it is beautiful. It has changed from something that encompassed happiness but wasn’t quite complete, to a smile that lights up an entire room. I know that there are many out there, probably readers of my blog, who would say that that brightness has always been there. Maybe now is just the first time I have really noticed it. Or noticed the difference.

I have been looking at photographs from different points in my life and remembering times where I was the happiest. I have been thinking of people who have come and gone from my life, the experiences I had with them, the lessons I learned. I have thought of past loves and the times with them where I thought I was truly, unconditionally happy. At those times, I was happy… but now. This time is different. So different that I have taken notice of a physical feature that has smiled back at me every time I look in the mirror… and noticed a brightness that was not there before. Could never have been there before.

When two kindred spirits find each other, there is a recognition that cannot be explained by anyone other than those two spirits… and there is no guarantee that anyone but those two spirits will understand. Two months ago, upon walking into my Nutrition Science class I saw Michael and recognized him, though I had never seen him before. At least, not in this life. Through a series of fortunate and unfortunate events, we were drawn together. First as classmates, then friends and confidants, then finally, as lovers. Through our development as a couple, we have already seen trials and tribulations and have found that we can rely on each other, can trust each other, can pull each other up when one of us falls down. Our connection is not perfect, but it is real… and it has forever changed my smile.

You never truly know what is missing from your life until it is placed in front of you… or in our case, dropped like a bomb and demanding that we pay attention. Sometimes, even then, people fail to recognize that puzzle piece until it has been left in the dust to rot and decay. My God and Goddess placed my puzzle piece in front of me with a subconscious recognition that I could not ignore. I could not look away from, whether I wanted to or not.

I know Michael… and I have known him through the ages. I do not expect anyone to understand, agree, or whatever. I expect nothing. What I do expect is to look at photographs. To see a smile that has evolved through lessons, struggles, heartbreaks, failures, successes, joys, victories, and several levels of happiness through years and through ages. I expect to see a brightness in me that was not there before and could not have been until now. I expect that brightness to stay.

“Do not let anyone change your smile”, they said. This was quite possibly the best advice I ever chose to disobey… for my smile would not be as bright.

Thoughts to Ponder: Aloneness and Intimacy


Lately, I have been feeling an almost overwhelming yearning for human interaction. It’s not that I don’t get any. I see my friends on a regular basis. I see my family on a lesser basis than I probably should. But even then, I still get a solid amount of time with people I care about. So, what’s the deal?

Perhaps it’s the sort of human interaction that involves sitting at home and cuddling, talking about whatever comes to mind… I miss intimacy. I’m not even talking about sex. I mean the intimacy of feeling like you know someone better than anyone else. Better than you know yourself. Like you could have an entire conversation just by looking at that person.

With school in session now, my focus has to be elsewhere… and I will admit that that’s hard for me. It is in my nature to care about people and it is in my nature to have intimacy. Right now, I do not have that connection with anyone. It is difficult not to search it out, but at the same time my gut tells me that now is just simply not the time. It’s a nice notion to believe that I would have the time to commit to someone in order to build a relationship like that, but it is just that. A notion.

I used to be really good at being alone. I still am. Perhaps now is just a bit difficult because I am doing a lot of things on my own. I am not asking my parents to help me with my college tuition. I am not asking for spending money. I am asking only for help when I truly need it. It’s called being an adult and I’d like to think that I’ve got the hang of it for the most part.

Perhaps that’s it right there… because I’m doing a lot on my own, it’s easy to think that by having someone there, my journey would somehow be… not easier, but a little less scary. Yeah, I’m scared. Lots of developments occurred in a very short amount of time. My head is honestly still spinning and maybe I think that by having someone there who I could relate to on that deeper level, maybe it would stop spinning so fast.

No matter what, at least for now, I’ll be coming home to my apartment and I will be spending a lot of time with myself and my thoughts. I have some relationships that need to be re-evaluated and prioritized properly. I have school to focus on and I will be damned if anyone or anything prevents me from completing that to the best of my ability. I have my health to focus on by reaching my final weight loss goal in addition to dropping a nasty smoking habit. Plus, I have to constantly get to know myself on a deeper level. Sometimes, even now with everything that I have discovered about myself, it is hard to face my weaknesses.

I guess the question is… by feeling this constant need for mental intimacy and human interaction, is there something that I am afraid of facing on my own? Or do I truly and fully just want to find someone on my level? Thoughts to ponder.

Wisdom of an Idyllwild Woman


Yesterday was a beautiful and profound day. Mom and I took a mini road trip up to Idyllwild to walk around and get away from the city for awhile. After checking out a really awesome metaphysical store (where I got a lovely new pentagram pendant), Mom asked where we could find the best root beer floats in town. We were directed to Oma’s.

This little cafe was adorable with a brother/sister waitstaff who kept bickering with each other. The brother waited on us and was really nice with a snarky sense of humor. Mom and I dig that sort of thing. I ordered a cinnamon roll and Mom got her root beer float, both of which were out of this world delicious.

There was an elderly woman there who looked like Oma, a painting of whom hung on the wall. Mom and I couldn’t quite figure out if it was her, so we asked. Turns out that the original Oma has passed away about eight years ago and this woman, her name was Gisla, was a long time family friend who just liked to help out when she was in town. We had the opportunity to talk to this little bad ass of a woman for about 10 minutes.

Gisla was nearly 80 years old, had pretty white hair down to her chin, beautiful blue eyes and what I liked to call “wisdom wrinkles”. Through our conversation, Mom and I learned that she had taken 22 years of karate, was an incredibly spiritual woman, and believed that her life had been full of miracles. She was originally from Germany and had lived through the atrocities of WWII. 

She struck a chord with me when she said, “I have never believed in God more. My life has been full of miracles.” She spoke of lessons and mistakes, seeing the good when bad things happen, and relying on God (in her words “Or whatever it is people want to call It”) to get through. Gisla was fearless. She feared nothing and nobody. Even after only a 10 minute conversation, you could tell that everything she said was true.

I’m learning more and more as each day passes that God is with me. I choose to call Him/Her the Divine or the Universe. It just feels more natural to me. I have become much more open in my dialogue with the Divine through conversation, journaling, and just soaking up the energy in nature. Looking back, it seems that my life has been full of miracles too. Even the darkest hours where my soul was writhing in pain were miracles because I learned something. I grew. I became stronger. I shed old skin. 

Mom and I agreed after our conversation with Gisla that we were supposed to be there at that precise moment in time. We were supposed to meet her. This little woman was so full of life and wisdom. If I were to be so bold, and I will be, I would say that the Divine was speaking to us through her.

We only spent a short time in Idyllwild, but it was just enough time to get some truth we didn’t know we had coming to us. I am very grateful for the opportunity to not so much talk to Gisla, but to listen to her. This experience I will remember for a long time… especially in times when it feels like my life isn’t so full of miracles.

LA Grudge


When I left Los Angeles nearly three years ago, I had an extreme hatred of the city. My circumstances at the time contributed to my “never” wanting to come back. Last week, I spent 3.5 days in my old city, saw several friends, and was able to let go of the grudge that I had had for almost three years. Not only that, I was able to reclaim my value as a person.

My phone was constantly going off with texts and phone calls from friends asking when they could see me. I spent a lot of time in the car cruising the streets of my old neighborhood, and really, my old city. It was cool to see what had changed and what had stayed the same. I rarely had to use my navigation to get around. Everything came back as if I had never left sans the anger, sadness, and rage.

About 15 people took the time to either come hang out with me or made plans to get together. That’s a lot of friends to see in such a short amount of time and the ones who couldn’t make it planned to come visit me in Denver.

After months of feeling like I didn’t matter to people, like I was just another face in the crowd, being in California with people who care about me, especially in LA where I had once held such a grudge made me feel completely valued as a person. I didn’t have to put up a front in front of my friends or act like someone that I wasn’t. All they knew me as was the loud, boisterous, “don’t give a fuck” Rachael that I had always been. The last few months of trying to fit in with my ex’s friends took that attitude away from me and I really got it back during my time in LA. I felt like I mattered to people again. I felt like I could be myself and not be sorry for it. I felt like my being involved in the lives of MY friends actually made a positive difference to them. For this, I am forever grateful.

I finally feel at peace with my old home. I finally feel like I can come back and enjoy my time, as well reminisce on the lessons that living there taught me during my youth. I feel like I can value myself as an awesome influence in my social circles without caring about what those who really don’t matter think of me. I feel like I can flip the bird to people who try to hate on me and genuinely walk away without apology. I know who my friends are. I know where my home once was and where it is now.

After nearly three years, I can finally end this chapter and move on.


A Few Moments of Bitterness


My bags are packed and waiting to be loaded into the car. I’ll be on a plane to California in just over 12 hours and I’ll be gone for two weeks. Tonight I feel excited, yet slightly bitter. Bitter that I’m going on this trip alone. Granted, I’m beyond stoked to see my mom and my friends. It’s going to be a great trip, but right now I am allowing myself a few minutes to feel the bitterness.

I have gotten a lot of clarity by talking to the Divine and I understand through and through why this time apart from my love is necessary. But, that little piece of me that is still hurting and wants to kick and scream and be mad at someone is making a bit of an appearance. So many questions that I have answered myself are rearing their ugly little heads. I’m bitter that I’m not going on vacation with my love. I’m bitter that we aren’t celebrating our one year anniversary. I’m bitter that certain issues weren’t handled before we got together. And yet… I know that if things had not happened the way they did, we would not have had a relationship at all.

I’m doing my best to feel this and move on. I know that I cannot be bitter forever… in fact, my few minutes of bitter-allowance are almost up. The Divine has made it clear that wonderful things are going to happen, both for my love and I as individuals and at the beginning of Act 2. All I have to do is be patient… which is also where some of this bitterness is coming from.

Patience isn’t a strong suit. It has always been a struggle. I’m bitter that I have to wait to be happy with my love. Maybe it sounds petty, ridiculous even. But, for the next couple of minutes that is exactly how I feel. Why do I have to wait? Why can’t we be happy now? What is happening in our lives that is so personal that we cannot walk with each other through it?

Until we come back around in a few months (I hope that we do with my entire being), we can only walk through our storms alone. They are ours individually and, as mad as that makes me, that’s how it is. We will have stories and all negative feelings will have long subsided by the time we meet again. I know that right now, that meeting feels like a lifetime away… and my impatience is making me want to throw a tantrum. But… what good would that do?

For now, all I can do is wait and live my life with as much vibrancy and joy as possible while keeping the bitter feelings to a minimum. Speaking of that, time’s up.